Too Close to Home

I have been very real with my struggles with depression.  I've talked about the darkness that is all consuming. I've shared about not wanting to live another moment.  And I've expressed how thankful I am that I made it through to the other side, where there is hope and happiness again.

This weekend, my family suffered a great loss.  One of my younger cousins died.  My heart hurts so much for his wife, his son, his sister and mother.  The rest of our family is feeling his loss as well.  Its just not supposed to happen to someone so young.  Someone who worked so hard to turn his life around.  In experiencing this loss, something really hard has hit home for me.

I want to be very careful and not make this about ME.  But ever since I heard this tragic news and it began to sink in, I cannot shake this thought.  I've realized how many people I would have hurt if I had succeeded in taking my own life.  In my depression, I truly believed people were better off without me.  Today, with the depression behind me, I can see how many people would be hurting for a long time, just as people are hurting over the loss of my cousin.  It is scary how close I was to ending my life to ease the constant pain of the moment (weeks to months).  I'm so thankful today that I did not succeed.  I was one of the lucky ones.  It didn't feel like it at the time, but now I know it is true.

The funeral will be very hard.  It will be overwhelming to see one of my loved ones gone from this world.  I will miss the man he became and I will miss the man he never had the chance to be.  Life goes on and with time, the pain will lessen but there will always be a hole when we get together for family functions.  One of us will be missing.  As we've grown up and gotten busy with our own lives, its been too easy to only see each other for the holidays.  But it is times like this when we gather around each other and remember the power of family.  I'm so sorry he is gone.  Please pray for our family as we prepare to say goodbye.    

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